A TRUMP Of An Idea : To Hell With Greenland , I Shall Buy Kashmir


Mere mention of Greenland turns his eyes green and causes his sandy hairs to stand-up . Chances are that Trump was not aware that the huge island is a white wasteland when he first raked up the small matter of its purchase. But subsequent disclosure did not dissuade him. He is anyway doing his best to melt ice caps across the planet. In less than two decades, all of Greenland would be sans ice cover. Imagine two million square kilometres of freed up land with an average population density of zero ( total 56000 inhabitants only). There are minerals to be mined, and a lot of real estate to be parcelled out . Of course, the crooked Chinese are knocking. They reach wherever they smell business with their ingratiating smiles ,deep pockets and evil hearts . Trump’s interest was enormously piqued, the developer inside him was itching to cut deals.


Alas, the arrogant Danes and the proud Eskimos (Inuits) have taken affront to the offer. These bloody Scandinavians can be rudely intransigent. The Danes pump 700 million USD every year into this autonomous island which calls itself a free country, for which they have no actual use of. They are even concerned that the Government of Greenland might sit in the laps of Chinese and allow the latter to build their fancy belts and  roads through the island,  but would not even concede negotiations to their ally and chief  protector.


Trump rightly considers this as disrespect. He expects his ‘absurd ideas’ to be politely brushed aside, not ridiculed or rejected off hand. All he cares for is either a bit of flattery, or some business, or both. Indulge him, and he is your man in White House. Rub him the wrong way, and you run the risk of being showered with  a fusillade of nasty tweets .


But Donald Trump need not be depressed about the Danish snub .If he can hustle his way around it, there is a much better territory, crying out to be bought .I am talking about the Valley of Kashmir which the Mughal Emperor Jahangir, once in middle of an orgasmic ecstasy, referred to as ‘Firdaus (Heaven) on Earth’ . There is not a more beautiful parcel of habitable land on earth (greener than Greenland) ,nor one that is as strategically located . Through one deal, Trump can not only close the business deal of the 21 st century, but also make the smartest American strategic move in years and win a highly deserving Nobel Peace Prize in the process .(feels good to imagine how leftists and liberals would bear  DJT,Modi and Imran winning it !)


As per the President, Muslims in Kashmir cannot live in harmony with or under Hindus . China stands next door, in Ladakh’s Aksai Chin, offered to them as homage by their servant, Pakistan . This geographical location is in closest proximity with Tibet and Xinjiang, Central Asian Republics, Afghanistan, Jammu,Ladakh and Pakistan .The US presence in Kashmir can ensure lasting peace between India and Pakistan, Hindus and Muslims, stabilise Afghanistan, provide moral support to repressed Tibetans and Uighurs and keep China and Islamic jihadis in permanent check. Of course, Trump would be interested only in buying undivided Kashmir which includes the Pakistani Occupied Gilgit and Baltistan.


Kashmir has had a history of being bought and sold. The Dogra King of Jammu , Gulab Singh ,bought it from the British for 75 lakh Nanakshahi Rupees in 1846. In 1867, Andrew Johnson, confident after the purchase of Alaska from Russia, offered to buy Greenland from Denmark but did not succeed. Harry Truman repeated the offer in 1946 in lieu of  USD 100 million but was turned down .Pakistanis allege that Raja Hari Singh sold Kashmir to India in 1947 on the promise of Autonomy. Tribal marauders from Pakistan gobbled a large portion of it. There is something about both these territories, Greenland and Kashmir, that perennially keeps them on shelf.


Kashmiris would like the idea of becoming American slaves (citizenship ? I doubt that very much !), rather than Hindu India’s or beggarly Pakistan’s. India might get a big load off its chest by turning their headache into an American one. We have been complaining a lot about Imran to Trump of late. It almost seems as if we crave for an American role to offset the Chinese foul play .Once India agrees to the sale, there is not much Pakistan can do to scuttle the deal. US control over POK would sink Chinese investments in the OBOR and act like a balm of shadenfraude for jealous Indians.


If Trump is to ‘moderate’, why should he do so in  moderation ? He should ‘make America greater’ by establishing a presence in South Asia , lest it be seen as frowned –upon mediation. Hindus mendicants might still be allowed to enter the American Territory of Kashmir for purposes of meditation , while Trump’s ‘closed borders policy’ might appeal to Kashmiri instincts of self-preservation. Infact closed borders might make all parties happy since neither infiltration, nor illegal immigration would be able to change demographics, and would also keep away Chinese incursions .



It is true that Kashmir is complicated because of its historical commodification , the history of genocide on both sides of the border, infected with the virus of Wahabism , forced settlements of non-Kashmiris in POK, gifting of territory to China and its strategic importance to India. But if Greenland is just a good ‘real estate offer’ with no concession for self- determination ,how is purchase of Kashmir contrary to the mercantile spirit ?


The international policeman should be in the most ‘explosive’ region to keep an eye on the predator-on-loose (China) and its trusted client (Pakistan). Trump is concerned that India and Pakistan fire Howitzers and heavy weaponry at each other. When ‘Kashmir becomes America’ , Indo-Pak guns shall fall silent, and Kashmiris won’t need to throw stones to be taken seriously  – assault rifles and small guns would be easily available to express jihadist grievances.


If Trump succeeds in  buying Kashmir in this ‘season of the bizarre’, it won’t be a travesty of international law or self-determination , rather would add another glorious chapter in the growth of American real estate in Louisiana, Texas, Alaska, Hawaii and other Overseas territories .This is as ‘beautiful’ a deal as he might make for the US, and in process, save the wonderful people of India and Pakistan, and his good friends ,their Prime Ministers ,from becoming unwitting pawns in the crooked Chinese game.


6 Comments Add yours

  1. Naresh says:

    This is actually a brilliant idea that should reach the ears of the PM. Imagine this scenario
    – America buys Kashmir
    – Kashmir becomes America
    – Art 370 abrogated, so Kashmir part of India
    – With purchase, America now part of India
    – NaMo moves to White House, Amit Shah moves to Rashtrapati Bhavan
    Maaaan! This is brilliant


    1. abpunch says:

      what happens to china ?


  2. RKA says:

    The Brown British Are Ready For Anything Except For Being Patriotic Indians!!


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